still having a rough time - '26-04-09

man, idk how else to put it, but as of lately ive been feelin ugly as SHIT

i've been on HRT for 4 months now and i really feel like im stuck in this ugly phase. i genuinely want to strangle myself when i look in the mirror.

i KNOW im still cooking, ive got a long way to go in my transition, but my god it's so painful right now feeling this shitty about myself. i gained weight, my face is puffier, ive grown facial hair but my voice hasn't dropped yet, so right now to everyone else im just a fucking ugly-ass girl. i wanna kms.

my partner keeps reassuring me that i'm not ugly and that he finds me attractive. i know that i should only really care about what he thinks but i just can't help but feel so shitty thinking that other people find me ugly. i actually really want to shave my facial hair but my partner insists that i keep it and let it grow out to see how it goes. i'm really only keeping it because it makes people confused on my gender (until i open my fuckin mouth of course, my voice is still a dead giveaway. i wish i didn't have to talk.)

i can see why some people get scared and stop HRT once they get some of the effects happening, i really don't like how im looking right now. but i know just a few more months and i'll be further along, maybe my voice will finally start to drop, maybe my jawline will start to sharpen. just right now? it's so painful waiting for it and having to be percieved by people.

i wish i could just disappear until i look just how i want. i'm genuinely so embarrassed that people have to witness my transition, i'm legit so chopped looking right now i've been crying over it. this shit sucks. why would anyone think we choose this? that we choose to hate our bodies and pay hundreds of dollars just to get on medication that MIGHT make you look how you want? and then that wont even be enough because you still need surgery for something else whether it's top surgery, or FFS. why would anyone want this? i just want to be happy with myself.