rough end to the year - '25-12-03

i apologize for not updating the website for all of november. unfortunately, my father passed away.

we all saw it coming, he was told his condition was terminal earlier in the year. you just cant help but hope that you'll beat the odds, y'know? i guess it just wasn't in the cards for us, though.

despite how unprepared i really am for all of this, things are going smoothly. we've been moving my dad's belongings slowly and we have the rest of the december to get it done, so we aren't in a huge rush. the hard part is finding places for everything, and theres a lot of stuff we just can't keep. thankfully a good part of my family are willing to help with everything, as well as take any belongings that my brother and i can't take.

it just feels so surreal. i dunno much about grief, but i feel so strange. i try my best to go about my day as normal, and then in my head the thought will just randomly pop up: "your dad is gone". and then i miss him, and then im spiraling in my head about all the things i could and should have done for/with him. and then i feel guilty for trying to go back to normal. but i also feel guilty for grieving too? i feel like such a fucking mess. its killing me. i don't want people to pity me but i also need people to know im going through something. how the hell do you tell people that you've lost someone without making them feel bad for you?